Question:
Kindly offer me your thoughts and perspective on something I experienced while relating with some friends:
I was at a meeting with two friends yesterday and they upset me. I felt like they were being unfair in their actions towards me, and that I wasn’t being treated with the level of care with which I treat them. I was concerned that if I stayed quiet or gentle or simply “smiled over their behavior”, it would only embolden and encourage the behavior from them, and so I chose to respond strongly to them.
But these 2 friends are friends that I frequently mentor, and I don’t know how I feel about them seeing me express “anger” (for me, I wouldnt call it anger. I was simply standing up for myself) towards them. Do I always have to respond with soft words and a smile whenever I feel people are attacking me, in my effort to hold myself to the standard of a peaceful, spiritual teacher?
One of the two friends apologized to me eventually, but she mentioned how it was her first time seeing me “angry”. (I think I have an issue with being seen as “less than perfect”, fearing it would disqualify me as a spiritual teacher in the eyes of many).
I’d love to read your thoughts on all this. Thank you for being someone I can seek counsel from.
Answer:
I am glad that you are questioning the validity of a moral rule you have adopted from the outside, so to speak. Our minds are full of opinions of what we should or should not do, and everyone is trying to conform. But real progress is only made if we understand ourselves better.
The problem with choosing to stand up to unfair people is that we will have to be on our toes constantly, monitoring how others treat us, and either become very dominant so we can successfully stand up for what we personally consider right, or else, surround ourselves only with people who share our view. There are countless people who defend their self-image with all their energy, but you will find that they are often exhausted. I know you are wondering if it’s wrong to behave this way. My short answer is that it’s not wrong, but it’s a waste of time and won’t bring you what you seek.
If you strive to remember that every person has his or her own perspective on everything, including on who you are and how you should be treated, and that the perspective they hold has nothing whatsoever to do with you, but only with the way they have been conditioned to think and see, you will be less inclined to hurt because of what people say or do.
The most important thing to realize is that who you actually are can’t be any of these mind-projections, neither the bad, nor the good. You are not the self-image, regardless how worthy or worthless it might be considered. Who you are is the potential for anything you would want to express as “you”, for any type of thought you would like to think and for any kind of life you would like to live.
Be one of the rare people who choose consciously! Ask yourself who you’d like to be and how you would like to treat yourself and others. If respect is something you appreciate, then understand that in reality, respect means seeing who we all truly are beyond our often messed-up conditioned minds. Is caring a quality that speaks to you? Then care for the true self in you and others, and don’t mind the many layers of conditioned thought that make people behave in hurtful ways.
If you want to stay truly peaceful and gentle when you meet people who unconsciously act out hurtful mental patterns, all you need to do is silence your own reactive mind and center yourself in who you are, deeper than the mind. From there, you can consciously respond in a way that reminds both you and the other person about who we all truly are. Good luck!
1 thought on “Q&A: Should I Stand Up to Unfair Friends?”
Oh my, Aurora. I am all smiles. Your answer energized my soul and clarified my perspective. Thank you a million times.